I wish I could write a song in honor of this sweet one.
i have a list of things i want to write about that she has taught me.
Heaven. The goodness of God. Like, not cliche "the goodness of God." But this tangible, through the fire, goodness of God. And thats so hard to explain to someone else. Because it is crazy. It IS crazy. Because the world says, God if you were good, Willa would be thriving, kicking and screaming, cooing and nursing, sleeping. We would be throwing things in the car and flying down the road to Tyler to meet her for the first time. Willa would be attached to Sara, in her Sully wrap, Boone in his stroller, and we would be walking NorthPark, beaming with pride. BJ would be taking a million in one pictures of her and the world would see Willa Rose through the eyes her daddy. He would make her look effortlessly cool and granola and all the good and hip words that i dont know. Mom would be walking down the driveway to kiss her baby girl goodnight and dad, like only he knows how, would be stroking her hair with the back of his hand.
But no. The goodness of God did not stop because what we had planned or thought was to be didn't happen. But in the midst of deep pain and hurt and grief, we see the kindness and the nearness of our Father.
My dad would do anything, I mean anything for me. And when I'm hurting? Boy howdy. There are no miles too far, no money too much, no pain to deep to keep him from getting to me. What i know to be true of my dad here on Earth is 1,000 billion times more of God my Father.
That is the love of our Father when we hurt, when we are in pain. He is near. So near.
And Heaven? Willa girl, I've only scratched the surface of what I'm learning about Heaven through you. Its like I've left out a huge chunk of the gospel my whole life. Purposely. Because I didn't want it. I stiff armed Heaven. I like my world, I like my family, and I dont want that to change. Maybe it was the fear of the unknown. Losing any control that I thought I had.
And what I'm beginning to learn is everything I thought of Heaven was wrong. I remember thinking, I don't want to worship ALLLLL the time....how boring! Most days I can barely make it through two songs til im ready to move on. But oh, Willa, I imagine you would crack up laughing at those thoughts. Because I'm learning, through you, I have it all wrong. And I have a new hunger, expectancy and anticipation for what is to come. I'm ready to learn, arms open wide, about where you are. And where we will be.