I think I've been here too much- not a "woe is me," but a "we can't, I can't, we shouldn't" mindset- in a cautious, careful, holding myself back, maybe even non deserving kinda way.
And too many times- the incredible things...I don't celebrate.
Because of caution... caution of loosing them, caution of bragging/being boastful, caution of being disappointed in the celebration.
I want to learn to celebrate.
Like a deep gut celebration. Of big things and small things.
With out caution.
Is this caution fear? Sometimes, I think so,
And it cripples me.
It steals from me.
It is a thief. Fear is a thief.
Of joy... of celebration ... of truly living life abundant.
"10The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly. 11 I am the good shepherd. The good shepherd lays down his life for the sheep. 12He who is a hired hand and not a shepherd, who does not own the sheep, sees the wolf coming andleaves the sheep and flees, and the wolf snatches them and scatters them. 13He flees because he is a hired hand and cares nothing for the sheep. 14 I am the good shepherd. I know my own and my own know me, 15 just as the Father knows me and I know the Father; and I lay down my life for the sheep. 16And I have other sheep that are not of this fold. I must bring them also, and they will listen to my voice. So there will be one flock, one shepherd. 17 For this reason the Father loves me,because I lay down my life that I may take it up again. 18 No one takes it from me, but I lay it downof my own accord. I have authority to lay it down, and I have authority to take it up again. This charge I have received from my Father."
And so I find myself again in this place of riding the fence. Staying in a "safe place" of caution- condition yellow- not truly ABUNDANTLY living.
And it may "look" like it- but I think that abundant life in me has been pushed down- hidden in me because of caution, because of fear.
Oh, it has been released-but not in the way Christ intended. He didn't come lay His life down for me to choose when I live in the pasture or not- sitting on the fence 90% of the time.
He came saying, come out into my pasture!!! YES there are wolves in this life- there is a big wolf- but I am the GOOD shepherd.
I am not a hired hand.
I am YOUR shepherd.
You are Mine.
Let me do the protecting of you.
You come, do what you were made to do...
be in the pasture living life abundantly.
In these two places(below), I was living life abundant.
They are both thick, incredible stories.
Places of deep faith, where I threw everything aside.
I had no other choice, but to run into the pasture.
And it felt so good to meet my Shepherd there. He is good.