For me, your story began with Willa.
Sara was 34 weeks when she felt Willa kick for the last time. When everything we knew came unraveled. When who we were at the core would be seen. When all the layers would be scraped away and all that really matters in this life would be revealed.
And there she was.
And there you were.
Both in His hands. Both out of our control. But always in His.
Ive never walked in grief like I did when Willa died. I've never walked with someone so closely as I did with BJ and Sara.
Your dad and I had been in the process of praying about whether it was time or not to try to have baby no. 3. We both felt it wasn't. And then after Willa died, i for sure thought we would wait. We would wait until BJ and Sara had their turn. We would walk through grieving with them. We would champion them in trying again for a baby and believing along side them. We would hold them up and fight for them. They needed me...so i thought.
But God had you. And He had already begun weaving and forming you within me. Within my body. There was life. There was a tiny heart being formed. And it began to beat.
And four weeks after Willa went to Heaven, I learned of you.
And all the emotions came. And all I could do was cry. And I didn't want anyone to know. Shame. Guilt. I couldn't even tell your dad. Because maybe, if i didn't tell anyone, it wouldn't seem real. And the longer I could keep it from him, the longer I could keep it from everyone else.
Such deep shame. I think I felt a hint of what people might feel in an unplanned, out of wed lock pregnancy. Though my situation was totally different, I felt like I could relate to the feeling. Fear, guilt, shame, played over and over attacking every angle of my mind.
But I knew I needed your dad, I couldn't do this alone. I needed his support.
So we went to a coffee shop and I cried. We left, and we set in the car and I cried. And then I finally got it out. He held me. He thanked God for you. He spoke truth and he met me where I was, in my big pile of guilt and shame and how could i's. He loved me like only he can.
A week or so later I called Amy and told her. She heard me, and she listened. She understood. But she was so excited about you. She told me the truth about your life. Your existence. Where the enemy was feeding me lies, she spoke the truth. And oh I am so thankful for her, for that conversation.
I feared telling mom and dad. I didnt know how to do it. They were hurting and grieving and trying to be all for BJ and Sara. They didnt need anything else. They didnt need another emotion to figure out. Yet there I was, with what felt like a boulder to hand them. I so wanted to run away. I wanted to wait as long as possible. Maybe, just maybe, they will be at a better place in 10 weeks.
We were in Tulsa at a park and Grandma was in town. I don't remember why. Everything I did felt like a secret. What I wore, what i ate. But Grandma saw through it, and she straight up asked me, "Are you pregnant?" Tears filled my eyes. "How did you know?!"
"Your shirt is buttoned weird." She hugged me and she told me she was so happy about you. She was so afraid this would happen to Amy or I and feared us having to deal with all the emotions, but she was so so happy about You.
She told Pa. And then the phone call came from him. I don't even remember what he said. But goodness gracious, that man carries so much weight for me. He was so firm and so determined to make sure I knew what a blessing You are. How excited he was. How thankful. He left no room for shame or guilt. He spoke truth over you and over me. He spoke into who you are. He picked me up when I felt like I should crawl in a hole. He pulled me out and spoke identity over me.
That phone call spoke volumes. I needed it more than I ever could know.
And if i thought I didnt want to tell Grandma and Pa, I for sure didnt want to tell BJ and Sk.
It would change everything, and I knew it.
We met at a park in Dallas with Grandma and Pa and I asked them if we could go on a walk.
BJ says he knew what was coming, but i couldn't spit it out.
When I finally did, they responded as only they could. They hugged me and affirmed your life. They told me it was good. We went to dinner and Pa cornered me again. As if he wanted to cover every crack...leaving no room for the enemy to come and devour more. He spoke truth. He was SO excited about you. And he made sure I knew that.
The weeks following were hard. My relationship with BJ and Sara changed. Sara hit a low low place. And life was just hard.
But the goodness of God was fighting to shine through.
The next 6 months were hard. Everything about pregnancy felt different and unfamiliar. It was hard to grieve Willa and celebrate this life within me. If felt messy and out of control. It was a time of wrestling with God. Trying to understand what He was doing. Trying to figure out his timing. Trying to be so sensitive to BJ and Sk but trying at the same time to celebrate You and your life well.
But in the midst of my craziness...God was kindly speaking Truth.
He found him in a desert land-and in the howling waste of the wilderness; he encircled him-he cared for him. He kept him as the apple of his eye. Deut. 32:5
As you do not know the path of the wind, or how the body is formed in a mothers womb, so you cannot understand the work of God, the maker of all things. Ecc. 11: 5 (Ness gave me this one. And I CLUNG to it. She also sent me a bag of party stuff to celebrate you. She helped me celebrate you and choose truth like no one else.)
And then we found out you were a Girl. And I knew it. Grandma did too. She said "thats your girl." When she found out I was pregnant with you. I struggled with announcing you on social media. But I felt like it was a step of faith in stomping out shame. And I read Ps. 105, "Oh give thanks to the Lord, call upon His name: make known his deeds among the peoples!..." And I knew I had to make known Hid deeds....and so i told the world. We are thankful and we celebrate this baby girls life!!!
I wrote this note to you in my journal...
11/6/14
Baby Girl,
I can officially call you"girl." We didnt know we would go for our sonogram yesterday. But we did-and we found out that You are healthy. You are perfect, and you are a girl.
Baby, you are beautiful. I look at the little pictures of you, my first sighting of you, and I am in awe. Part of me is shocked. Still, that you are really inside of me-growing, moving and being. But shocked, even more so than you are a girl. Our baby girl.
You are going to love your big brothers. There will be no greater protectors, no greater coverings and friends than your brothers. (i know. you'll meet uncle bill soon.) You, baby girl, are loved. You are wanted.
Oh how I wish Willa were here. She would be your best friend. We would put you in her lap and take a million picots of your first time to meet. I bet she would pat you and kiss you. You would be her 'baby' and she would all of the sudden look so big with you by her side. Y'all would grow together. girl cousins. best of friends. I don't know why she isn't here. I don't understand. But baby, we don't serve God for understanding. We serve Him because He is good and worthy- all knowing and working all things out for our good.
So I choose to celebrate your life.
And I promise to teach you about the goodness of God, that we don't deserve. I promise to tell you all about Willa and heaven. I promise to encourage you to dream. To be a girl. To host a party and set a table. To write thank you notes. That paint can be your best friend. Hot glue too. That Amy Grant will always be the greatest. That basketball isn't life-but it sure is fun. That there is more to God than we can imagine. I promise to let you be free to learn. And I'll learn too. I promise to let you be girly. Or tomboyish. And I promise to not have it all together.
I hope you see me look at your daddy and gush. I hope you know so early on that no man will love you the way your Heavenly Father does. But I hope you also know that your daddy is the greatest example of a man loving his wife, and he will be one of your greatest teachers, and one of your greatest places of safety and comfort. I can't wait to see y'all together. Daddy and his baby girl. There is nothing like it. (I know. You'll love Pa too.)
I love you baby girl. I'm excited to know you and grow with you. Our lives are richer because you live.
I love you,
Mom
Such deep shame. I think I felt a hint of what people might feel in an unplanned, out of wed lock pregnancy. Though my situation was totally different, I felt like I could relate to the feeling. Fear, guilt, shame, played over and over attacking every angle of my mind.
But I knew I needed your dad, I couldn't do this alone. I needed his support.
So we went to a coffee shop and I cried. We left, and we set in the car and I cried. And then I finally got it out. He held me. He thanked God for you. He spoke truth and he met me where I was, in my big pile of guilt and shame and how could i's. He loved me like only he can.
A week or so later I called Amy and told her. She heard me, and she listened. She understood. But she was so excited about you. She told me the truth about your life. Your existence. Where the enemy was feeding me lies, she spoke the truth. And oh I am so thankful for her, for that conversation.
I feared telling mom and dad. I didnt know how to do it. They were hurting and grieving and trying to be all for BJ and Sara. They didnt need anything else. They didnt need another emotion to figure out. Yet there I was, with what felt like a boulder to hand them. I so wanted to run away. I wanted to wait as long as possible. Maybe, just maybe, they will be at a better place in 10 weeks.
We were in Tulsa at a park and Grandma was in town. I don't remember why. Everything I did felt like a secret. What I wore, what i ate. But Grandma saw through it, and she straight up asked me, "Are you pregnant?" Tears filled my eyes. "How did you know?!"
"Your shirt is buttoned weird." She hugged me and she told me she was so happy about you. She was so afraid this would happen to Amy or I and feared us having to deal with all the emotions, but she was so so happy about You.
She told Pa. And then the phone call came from him. I don't even remember what he said. But goodness gracious, that man carries so much weight for me. He was so firm and so determined to make sure I knew what a blessing You are. How excited he was. How thankful. He left no room for shame or guilt. He spoke truth over you and over me. He spoke into who you are. He picked me up when I felt like I should crawl in a hole. He pulled me out and spoke identity over me.
That phone call spoke volumes. I needed it more than I ever could know.
And if i thought I didnt want to tell Grandma and Pa, I for sure didnt want to tell BJ and Sk.
It would change everything, and I knew it.
We met at a park in Dallas with Grandma and Pa and I asked them if we could go on a walk.
BJ says he knew what was coming, but i couldn't spit it out.
When I finally did, they responded as only they could. They hugged me and affirmed your life. They told me it was good. We went to dinner and Pa cornered me again. As if he wanted to cover every crack...leaving no room for the enemy to come and devour more. He spoke truth. He was SO excited about you. And he made sure I knew that.
The weeks following were hard. My relationship with BJ and Sara changed. Sara hit a low low place. And life was just hard.
But the goodness of God was fighting to shine through.
The next 6 months were hard. Everything about pregnancy felt different and unfamiliar. It was hard to grieve Willa and celebrate this life within me. If felt messy and out of control. It was a time of wrestling with God. Trying to understand what He was doing. Trying to figure out his timing. Trying to be so sensitive to BJ and Sk but trying at the same time to celebrate You and your life well.
But in the midst of my craziness...God was kindly speaking Truth.
He found him in a desert land-and in the howling waste of the wilderness; he encircled him-he cared for him. He kept him as the apple of his eye. Deut. 32:5
As you do not know the path of the wind, or how the body is formed in a mothers womb, so you cannot understand the work of God, the maker of all things. Ecc. 11: 5 (Ness gave me this one. And I CLUNG to it. She also sent me a bag of party stuff to celebrate you. She helped me celebrate you and choose truth like no one else.)
And then we found out you were a Girl. And I knew it. Grandma did too. She said "thats your girl." When she found out I was pregnant with you. I struggled with announcing you on social media. But I felt like it was a step of faith in stomping out shame. And I read Ps. 105, "Oh give thanks to the Lord, call upon His name: make known his deeds among the peoples!..." And I knew I had to make known Hid deeds....and so i told the world. We are thankful and we celebrate this baby girls life!!!
I wrote this note to you in my journal...
11/6/14
Baby Girl,
I can officially call you"girl." We didnt know we would go for our sonogram yesterday. But we did-and we found out that You are healthy. You are perfect, and you are a girl.
Baby, you are beautiful. I look at the little pictures of you, my first sighting of you, and I am in awe. Part of me is shocked. Still, that you are really inside of me-growing, moving and being. But shocked, even more so than you are a girl. Our baby girl.
You are going to love your big brothers. There will be no greater protectors, no greater coverings and friends than your brothers. (i know. you'll meet uncle bill soon.) You, baby girl, are loved. You are wanted.
Oh how I wish Willa were here. She would be your best friend. We would put you in her lap and take a million picots of your first time to meet. I bet she would pat you and kiss you. You would be her 'baby' and she would all of the sudden look so big with you by her side. Y'all would grow together. girl cousins. best of friends. I don't know why she isn't here. I don't understand. But baby, we don't serve God for understanding. We serve Him because He is good and worthy- all knowing and working all things out for our good.
So I choose to celebrate your life.
And I promise to teach you about the goodness of God, that we don't deserve. I promise to tell you all about Willa and heaven. I promise to encourage you to dream. To be a girl. To host a party and set a table. To write thank you notes. That paint can be your best friend. Hot glue too. That Amy Grant will always be the greatest. That basketball isn't life-but it sure is fun. That there is more to God than we can imagine. I promise to let you be free to learn. And I'll learn too. I promise to let you be girly. Or tomboyish. And I promise to not have it all together.
I hope you see me look at your daddy and gush. I hope you know so early on that no man will love you the way your Heavenly Father does. But I hope you also know that your daddy is the greatest example of a man loving his wife, and he will be one of your greatest teachers, and one of your greatest places of safety and comfort. I can't wait to see y'all together. Daddy and his baby girl. There is nothing like it. (I know. You'll love Pa too.)
I love you baby girl. I'm excited to know you and grow with you. Our lives are richer because you live.
I love you,
Mom
