Marriage. 

God has redeemed my marriage.  He is redeeming my marriage.

2 years ago this spring I wanted to quit.  Like, I was done.  I wanted out.  But I didn't know how to get out. I was stuck.  I was lonely.  And i wanted nothing of life as it was.

We had moved here 8 months before.  Greg threw himself into ministry.  Into trying to do his job well.  Into trying to figure it out.  He was full of faith and passionate about the college ministry.  We had left all of our best friends.  The people that knew us as a married couple from the beginning.  The people who had walked with us through the ins and outs of the past five years.  Being newlyweds, leading lifegroups, walking in community, deaths, miscarriages, pregnancies, babies, being parents, discipling kids, families, money and the lack and surplus of it, and on and on...

They knew us in many ways better than either of our families...because we had lived so intentionally with one another, life on life.  

And so here we were....August, 2013, Norman, Oklahoma...greg full ahead in ministry.  And I ached.  I was lonely.  I missed my people.  In a place that was quite familiar and even a lot of people that i "knew," I was desperately lonely.  Our marriage was pulling further a part.  And we hit rock bottom. 

By the time December came...Greg too recognized his disappointment in what he felt like would be a job he would thrive in, he actually felt like he was drowning.  We were both drowning.  We had no community, un clear expectations, little accountability, and a marriage that was looking like roommates who parented well together.  We recognized this in December and coasted until March/April when things boiled up again and I admitted I was done.  Done coasting, done playing this game, done dying.

I want to remember...

April 24, 2013

We were getting out of the car, it was dark outside, and oak said, "the moon! it's working!"

"i can't want it," or "i can't like it." -oak (instead of i dont want it or i dont like it)

"another one shirt" -oak (instead of the other shirt)

July 22, 2013

"sure, sure, sure."  for any positive response.

April 13, 2014

"I want to hold you." -oak (his whole life when he wants to be held)

Willa Rose

(8/8/14)
I wish I could write a song in honor of this sweet one.
i have a list of things i want to write about that she has taught me.
Heaven. The goodness of God.  Like, not cliche "the goodness of God." But this tangible, through the fire, goodness of God.  And thats so hard to explain to someone else.  Because it is crazy.  It IS crazy.  Because the world says, God if you were good, Willa would be thriving, kicking and screaming, cooing and nursing, sleeping.  We would be throwing things in the car and flying down the road to Tyler to meet her for the first time. Willa would be attached to Sara, in her Sully wrap, Boone in his stroller, and we would be walking NorthPark, beaming with pride.  BJ would be taking a million in one pictures of her and the world would see Willa Rose through the eyes her daddy.  He would make her look effortlessly cool and granola and all the good and hip words that i dont know.  Mom would be walking down the driveway to kiss her baby girl goodnight and dad, like only he knows how, would be stroking her hair with the back of his hand.
But no.  The goodness of God did not stop because what we had planned or thought was to be didn't happen.  But in the midst of deep pain and hurt and grief, we see the kindness and the nearness of our Father.
 My dad would do anything, I mean anything for me.  And when I'm hurting? Boy howdy.  There are no miles too far, no money too much, no pain to deep to keep him from getting to me. What i know to be true of my dad here on Earth is 1,000 billion times more of God my Father.
That is the love of our Father when we hurt, when we are in pain.  He is near. So near.

And Heaven?  Willa girl, I've only scratched the surface of what I'm learning about Heaven through you.  Its like I've left out a huge chunk of the gospel my whole life.  Purposely.  Because I didn't want it.  I stiff armed Heaven. I like my world, I like my family, and I dont want that to change.  Maybe it was the fear of the unknown.  Losing any control that I thought I had.
And what I'm beginning to learn is everything I thought of Heaven was wrong.  I remember thinking, I don't want to worship ALLLLL the time....how boring!  Most days I can barely make it through two songs til im ready to move on.  But oh, Willa, I imagine you would crack up laughing at those thoughts.  Because I'm learning, through you, I have it all wrong.  And I have a new hunger, expectancy and anticipation for what is to come.  I'm ready to learn, arms open wide, about where  you are.  And where we will be.

  

drafts

Right now I have 9(NINE!) drafts sitting in my list of blogs.  Some that I haven't finished...some that are just so random.  So I'm just going to post them.  Because the draft thing is driving me crazy...ive needed to knock these out.....ya know, some for 3 years now.  Heres to blogging and getting things out of my head!

Georgia Gray, 2 months.

Gray,

I love you more than you know.  What a gift you are.
At 2 months we had to go to the Dr. to get a check up and your first round of shots :(  Your shots were so sad.  And I think Boone will forever be afraid of shots because of watching you get yours. :/
You weigh 14lbs 2 oz. 75-90%
and you are 24 in. long. 90%
Everyone comments on how long you are, how pretty your head is, how great your skin and eyebrows are, and how much you look like your  brother Boone.  I think you are a great combination with a whole new look that is all your own.

In your second month, we went to Waco to visit friends, to the Hartsocks lake house on Lake Eufaula for staff retreat and then we picked up your brothers and grandma and pa and drove to Galveston for the weekend.  It was a busy and packed couple weeks but oh so fun.  Everyone dotted on you, of course and we all fell more in love with our Georgia Gray.

Boone's Birth, part 1.

Well here we are, three years later. Boone Bro, you are three years old now!  And I really can't remember life without you...and I'm going to try real hard to remember every detail of your birth. :)

You were due December 16th.  So we kind of made no plans for Christmas.

Georgia Gray, 3 months.

i love you, gray.  I see more and more of Gods goodness through your life.  Just you being here.  I'm amazed.  Your smile speaks of the love of God and the goodness of God.

This month we went to your cousin Annies birthday party, we celebrated the day Willa was born one year ago, and then we got on your FIRST AIRPLANE to Colorado for ICON.  You did incredible, and mommy was a lot more calm with you than I was with Oaks first flight.  We got to spend 3 days playing at Winter Park resort as a family before ICON started.  You and I watched the boys do a lot of fun things. The week was great, it was amazing to see the greater picture of the movement that we are a part of through Antioch.  It was also fun seeing so many people and missionaries that we have heart about for so long.  But the week was also really hard for me.  We found out SK was miscarrying the baby we were rejoicing over just a couple weeks before.  This hit me hard and the enemy reared his head up at me with shame and guilt.  I felt guilty for having you.  One morning, it even felt like I couldnt hold you.  Through a lot of tears and hurt, I had to come to the place that I claimed that those were lies from the enemy and the Truth was YOU are wanted and loved.  YOU are a blessing.  YOU are a promise of God. A promise of the goodness of God in life and in death. And in the midst of all of this grieving and not understanding, walking around Winter Park, CO, I would look down at you and you would be smiling at me.  Not just a normal smile.  This smile that went right to my heart.  You were walking out who God said you were. What He had spoken over your life...A reminder of the goodness of God in death and in life.  You were reminding me of the goodness of Him.  That He is good.  I didn't understand willa. I didn't understand all of these babies that haven't lived.  But He spoke life over you, and He is good, and I am so so thankful.