i have a million random thoughts. stuck in my head...and I've had this urge to write for the past couple weeks.
realizing how writing is so good for me. and if i can make myself stop, and sit down, and do it....thats half the chore.
but a lot of times, it gets moved to the end of the list...and then boone wakes up, or oak comes in from mowing with his dad and asks me a million and one questions. and he uses he hand when he talks, like he is 32. and then he squints his eyes, like only he does. this complex tender tender boy. that loves to do whatever his dad is doing. that loves to be brave and strong and work with tools and wrestle and fight and watch robin hood and fly airplanes. this boy, is the most tender boy i know. his dad is tender. his uncle bill is tender. and i think those two men are who he is most like. and I'm in awe of these 3 rough and tumble, yet tender men.
ice is the best when its at that point right before melting. the water is so cold and the ice is perfect. crushed, of course.
i want to dig more into blessing your children ....the authority we have as parents to bless our children to free them and hurl them farther than we could ever go.
and singing. i dream of writing songs. deep story songs. slow acoustic. in my high school dream world. provoking thoughts. amy grant. sara groves. rich mullins. andrew peterson. jj hellar. me and a guitar. dreaming.
and home? I'm proud of my brother. really deeply proud. that he moved past maybe something i still struggle with. that he put mom and dad in their rightful place of honor and respect. and even more, he learned how to put God in His rightful place of all authority and supreme ruler of his life. free to do and go and run in grace. free from a parental fear filter and accepting the filter on his life of grace and truth. conviction in ever step he takes that comes from his Father. not a man made idol conviction that is burdensome and heavy, making one feel trapped.
how i long for this freedom. to move past this more than natural filter/fear/yearning for my parents approval in every ounce of the day. to tangibly remove this filter....and replace it with a filter of grace and conviction from the Holy Spirit. To place my parents in their rightful place of honor, respect, wisdom. To free them up in my mind to be who God made them to be for me in this season.
And thats why its okay for B and S to move next door to them. Because they have the order correct. They don't live for the approval of man, yet they live in the fear of the Lord. Bounding in his grace and truth, with each step.
Lord i'm so over this heavy trapped place.
I'm so ready to be free.
to be dated. to be pursued. to let myself have fun with this man you have given me. thats not going anywhere. i want him to read me. to go deeper with me. me and him. team of 2. to lead me with strong hands. to stand up when i can't. to reach out and grab me when i feel really all alone, stuck in his dream...that really isn't that dreamy. actually its really hard...and i feel really alone inside it. that when cole brackin asked how i was and told him he better make sure I'm okay and greg agreed but didn't think twice about it after.....i was screaming inside. broken. alone. longing for him to see I'm not okay, thats how i feel...im smiling on the outside, but inside I am confused and done, again.
can i just remind you one more time that i hate this?
can i just remind you one more time that this is not what i imagined for us.
and then the lies come. flooding. all the way back to 2006. 2007. 2008. they aren't even worthy of writing out. I'm so tired of wallowing in those conversations. Questioning everything.
and there are days that i soar. as a wife. as a college pastors wife. as a mom. but there are many more days i cry inside.
to be wild and free and alive and fearless and confident and loved and known.
help me. love me. meet with me. talk to me. deeper. have fun with me. know me.
