Thursday, October 3, 2019
I've caught myself, in the whirlwind of the past 7 weeks, striving for perfection- instead of just enjoying this new season, and trusting Him to take care of it all- including the details of mine and Oaks day. 1,000 questions can run through my head and I can find 2,000 different answers and opinions for each question...I found myself trying to be perfect AND trying to please all 2,000 opinions. Well, as i have found-neither of those things, perfection and pleasing, work...which leads me to a whole lot of frustration.
Monday, April 4, 2016
Georgia Gray: your story, where it began
You really began long before I knew. Because God knew. He knew you. He knew your name and when you would come to be. He knew every day and how your story would intertwine with ours, with mine. Even with Willas.
For me, your story began with Willa.
Sara was 34 weeks when she felt Willa kick for the last time. When everything we knew came unraveled. When who we were at the core would be seen. When all the layers would be scraped away and all that really matters in this life would be revealed.
And there she was.
And there you were.
Both in His hands. Both out of our control. But always in His.
Ive never walked in grief like I did when Willa died. I've never walked with someone so closely as I did with BJ and Sara.
Your dad and I had been in the process of praying about whether it was time or not to try to have baby no. 3. We both felt it wasn't. And then after Willa died, i for sure thought we would wait. We would wait until BJ and Sara had their turn. We would walk through grieving with them. We would champion them in trying again for a baby and believing along side them. We would hold them up and fight for them. They needed me...so i thought.
But God had you. And He had already begun weaving and forming you within me. Within my body. There was life. There was a tiny heart being formed. And it began to beat.
And four weeks after Willa went to Heaven, I learned of you.
And all the emotions came. And all I could do was cry. And I didn't want anyone to know. Shame. Guilt. I couldn't even tell your dad. Because maybe, if i didn't tell anyone, it wouldn't seem real. And the longer I could keep it from him, the longer I could keep it from everyone else.
Such deep shame. I think I felt a hint of what people might feel in an unplanned, out of wed lock pregnancy. Though my situation was totally different, I felt like I could relate to the feeling. Fear, guilt, shame, played over and over attacking every angle of my mind.
But I knew I needed your dad, I couldn't do this alone. I needed his support.
So we went to a coffee shop and I cried. We left, and we set in the car and I cried. And then I finally got it out. He held me. He thanked God for you. He spoke truth and he met me where I was, in my big pile of guilt and shame and how could i's. He loved me like only he can.
A week or so later I called Amy and told her. She heard me, and she listened. She understood. But she was so excited about you. She told me the truth about your life. Your existence. Where the enemy was feeding me lies, she spoke the truth. And oh I am so thankful for her, for that conversation.
I feared telling mom and dad. I didnt know how to do it. They were hurting and grieving and trying to be all for BJ and Sara. They didnt need anything else. They didnt need another emotion to figure out. Yet there I was, with what felt like a boulder to hand them. I so wanted to run away. I wanted to wait as long as possible. Maybe, just maybe, they will be at a better place in 10 weeks.
We were in Tulsa at a park and Grandma was in town. I don't remember why. Everything I did felt like a secret. What I wore, what i ate. But Grandma saw through it, and she straight up asked me, "Are you pregnant?" Tears filled my eyes. "How did you know?!"
"Your shirt is buttoned weird." She hugged me and she told me she was so happy about you. She was so afraid this would happen to Amy or I and feared us having to deal with all the emotions, but she was so so happy about You.
She told Pa. And then the phone call came from him. I don't even remember what he said. But goodness gracious, that man carries so much weight for me. He was so firm and so determined to make sure I knew what a blessing You are. How excited he was. How thankful. He left no room for shame or guilt. He spoke truth over you and over me. He spoke into who you are. He picked me up when I felt like I should crawl in a hole. He pulled me out and spoke identity over me.
That phone call spoke volumes. I needed it more than I ever could know.
And if i thought I didnt want to tell Grandma and Pa, I for sure didnt want to tell BJ and Sk.
It would change everything, and I knew it.
We met at a park in Dallas with Grandma and Pa and I asked them if we could go on a walk.
BJ says he knew what was coming, but i couldn't spit it out.
When I finally did, they responded as only they could. They hugged me and affirmed your life. They told me it was good. We went to dinner and Pa cornered me again. As if he wanted to cover every crack...leaving no room for the enemy to come and devour more. He spoke truth. He was SO excited about you. And he made sure I knew that.
The weeks following were hard. My relationship with BJ and Sara changed. Sara hit a low low place. And life was just hard.
But the goodness of God was fighting to shine through.
The next 6 months were hard. Everything about pregnancy felt different and unfamiliar. It was hard to grieve Willa and celebrate this life within me. If felt messy and out of control. It was a time of wrestling with God. Trying to understand what He was doing. Trying to figure out his timing. Trying to be so sensitive to BJ and Sk but trying at the same time to celebrate You and your life well.
But in the midst of my craziness...God was kindly speaking Truth.
He found him in a desert land-and in the howling waste of the wilderness; he encircled him-he cared for him. He kept him as the apple of his eye. Deut. 32:5
As you do not know the path of the wind, or how the body is formed in a mothers womb, so you cannot understand the work of God, the maker of all things. Ecc. 11: 5 (Ness gave me this one. And I CLUNG to it. She also sent me a bag of party stuff to celebrate you. She helped me celebrate you and choose truth like no one else.)
And then we found out you were a Girl. And I knew it. Grandma did too. She said "thats your girl." When she found out I was pregnant with you. I struggled with announcing you on social media. But I felt like it was a step of faith in stomping out shame. And I read Ps. 105, "Oh give thanks to the Lord, call upon His name: make known his deeds among the peoples!..." And I knew I had to make known Hid deeds....and so i told the world. We are thankful and we celebrate this baby girls life!!!
I wrote this note to you in my journal...
11/6/14
Baby Girl,
I can officially call you"girl." We didnt know we would go for our sonogram yesterday. But we did-and we found out that You are healthy. You are perfect, and you are a girl.
Baby, you are beautiful. I look at the little pictures of you, my first sighting of you, and I am in awe. Part of me is shocked. Still, that you are really inside of me-growing, moving and being. But shocked, even more so than you are a girl. Our baby girl.
You are going to love your big brothers. There will be no greater protectors, no greater coverings and friends than your brothers. (i know. you'll meet uncle bill soon.) You, baby girl, are loved. You are wanted.
Oh how I wish Willa were here. She would be your best friend. We would put you in her lap and take a million picots of your first time to meet. I bet she would pat you and kiss you. You would be her 'baby' and she would all of the sudden look so big with you by her side. Y'all would grow together. girl cousins. best of friends. I don't know why she isn't here. I don't understand. But baby, we don't serve God for understanding. We serve Him because He is good and worthy- all knowing and working all things out for our good.
So I choose to celebrate your life.
And I promise to teach you about the goodness of God, that we don't deserve. I promise to tell you all about Willa and heaven. I promise to encourage you to dream. To be a girl. To host a party and set a table. To write thank you notes. That paint can be your best friend. Hot glue too. That Amy Grant will always be the greatest. That basketball isn't life-but it sure is fun. That there is more to God than we can imagine. I promise to let you be free to learn. And I'll learn too. I promise to let you be girly. Or tomboyish. And I promise to not have it all together.
I hope you see me look at your daddy and gush. I hope you know so early on that no man will love you the way your Heavenly Father does. But I hope you also know that your daddy is the greatest example of a man loving his wife, and he will be one of your greatest teachers, and one of your greatest places of safety and comfort. I can't wait to see y'all together. Daddy and his baby girl. There is nothing like it. (I know. You'll love Pa too.)
I love you baby girl. I'm excited to know you and grow with you. Our lives are richer because you live.
I love you,
Mom
Such deep shame. I think I felt a hint of what people might feel in an unplanned, out of wed lock pregnancy. Though my situation was totally different, I felt like I could relate to the feeling. Fear, guilt, shame, played over and over attacking every angle of my mind.
But I knew I needed your dad, I couldn't do this alone. I needed his support.
So we went to a coffee shop and I cried. We left, and we set in the car and I cried. And then I finally got it out. He held me. He thanked God for you. He spoke truth and he met me where I was, in my big pile of guilt and shame and how could i's. He loved me like only he can.
A week or so later I called Amy and told her. She heard me, and she listened. She understood. But she was so excited about you. She told me the truth about your life. Your existence. Where the enemy was feeding me lies, she spoke the truth. And oh I am so thankful for her, for that conversation.
I feared telling mom and dad. I didnt know how to do it. They were hurting and grieving and trying to be all for BJ and Sara. They didnt need anything else. They didnt need another emotion to figure out. Yet there I was, with what felt like a boulder to hand them. I so wanted to run away. I wanted to wait as long as possible. Maybe, just maybe, they will be at a better place in 10 weeks.
We were in Tulsa at a park and Grandma was in town. I don't remember why. Everything I did felt like a secret. What I wore, what i ate. But Grandma saw through it, and she straight up asked me, "Are you pregnant?" Tears filled my eyes. "How did you know?!"
"Your shirt is buttoned weird." She hugged me and she told me she was so happy about you. She was so afraid this would happen to Amy or I and feared us having to deal with all the emotions, but she was so so happy about You.
She told Pa. And then the phone call came from him. I don't even remember what he said. But goodness gracious, that man carries so much weight for me. He was so firm and so determined to make sure I knew what a blessing You are. How excited he was. How thankful. He left no room for shame or guilt. He spoke truth over you and over me. He spoke into who you are. He picked me up when I felt like I should crawl in a hole. He pulled me out and spoke identity over me.
That phone call spoke volumes. I needed it more than I ever could know.
And if i thought I didnt want to tell Grandma and Pa, I for sure didnt want to tell BJ and Sk.
It would change everything, and I knew it.
We met at a park in Dallas with Grandma and Pa and I asked them if we could go on a walk.
BJ says he knew what was coming, but i couldn't spit it out.
When I finally did, they responded as only they could. They hugged me and affirmed your life. They told me it was good. We went to dinner and Pa cornered me again. As if he wanted to cover every crack...leaving no room for the enemy to come and devour more. He spoke truth. He was SO excited about you. And he made sure I knew that.
The weeks following were hard. My relationship with BJ and Sara changed. Sara hit a low low place. And life was just hard.
But the goodness of God was fighting to shine through.
The next 6 months were hard. Everything about pregnancy felt different and unfamiliar. It was hard to grieve Willa and celebrate this life within me. If felt messy and out of control. It was a time of wrestling with God. Trying to understand what He was doing. Trying to figure out his timing. Trying to be so sensitive to BJ and Sk but trying at the same time to celebrate You and your life well.
But in the midst of my craziness...God was kindly speaking Truth.
He found him in a desert land-and in the howling waste of the wilderness; he encircled him-he cared for him. He kept him as the apple of his eye. Deut. 32:5
As you do not know the path of the wind, or how the body is formed in a mothers womb, so you cannot understand the work of God, the maker of all things. Ecc. 11: 5 (Ness gave me this one. And I CLUNG to it. She also sent me a bag of party stuff to celebrate you. She helped me celebrate you and choose truth like no one else.)
And then we found out you were a Girl. And I knew it. Grandma did too. She said "thats your girl." When she found out I was pregnant with you. I struggled with announcing you on social media. But I felt like it was a step of faith in stomping out shame. And I read Ps. 105, "Oh give thanks to the Lord, call upon His name: make known his deeds among the peoples!..." And I knew I had to make known Hid deeds....and so i told the world. We are thankful and we celebrate this baby girls life!!!
I wrote this note to you in my journal...
11/6/14
Baby Girl,
I can officially call you"girl." We didnt know we would go for our sonogram yesterday. But we did-and we found out that You are healthy. You are perfect, and you are a girl.
Baby, you are beautiful. I look at the little pictures of you, my first sighting of you, and I am in awe. Part of me is shocked. Still, that you are really inside of me-growing, moving and being. But shocked, even more so than you are a girl. Our baby girl.
You are going to love your big brothers. There will be no greater protectors, no greater coverings and friends than your brothers. (i know. you'll meet uncle bill soon.) You, baby girl, are loved. You are wanted.
Oh how I wish Willa were here. She would be your best friend. We would put you in her lap and take a million picots of your first time to meet. I bet she would pat you and kiss you. You would be her 'baby' and she would all of the sudden look so big with you by her side. Y'all would grow together. girl cousins. best of friends. I don't know why she isn't here. I don't understand. But baby, we don't serve God for understanding. We serve Him because He is good and worthy- all knowing and working all things out for our good.
So I choose to celebrate your life.
And I promise to teach you about the goodness of God, that we don't deserve. I promise to tell you all about Willa and heaven. I promise to encourage you to dream. To be a girl. To host a party and set a table. To write thank you notes. That paint can be your best friend. Hot glue too. That Amy Grant will always be the greatest. That basketball isn't life-but it sure is fun. That there is more to God than we can imagine. I promise to let you be free to learn. And I'll learn too. I promise to let you be girly. Or tomboyish. And I promise to not have it all together.
I hope you see me look at your daddy and gush. I hope you know so early on that no man will love you the way your Heavenly Father does. But I hope you also know that your daddy is the greatest example of a man loving his wife, and he will be one of your greatest teachers, and one of your greatest places of safety and comfort. I can't wait to see y'all together. Daddy and his baby girl. There is nothing like it. (I know. You'll love Pa too.)
I love you baby girl. I'm excited to know you and grow with you. Our lives are richer because you live.
I love you,
Mom
Monday, February 15, 2016
Marriage.
God has redeemed my marriage. He is redeeming my marriage.
2 years ago this spring I wanted to quit. Like, I was done. I wanted out. But I didn't know how to get out. I was stuck. I was lonely. And i wanted nothing of life as it was.
We had moved here 8 months before. Greg threw himself into ministry. Into trying to do his job well. Into trying to figure it out. He was full of faith and passionate about the college ministry. We had left all of our best friends. The people that knew us as a married couple from the beginning. The people who had walked with us through the ins and outs of the past five years. Being newlyweds, leading lifegroups, walking in community, deaths, miscarriages, pregnancies, babies, being parents, discipling kids, families, money and the lack and surplus of it, and on and on...
They knew us in many ways better than either of our families...because we had lived so intentionally with one another, life on life.
And so here we were....August, 2013, Norman, Oklahoma...greg full ahead in ministry. And I ached. I was lonely. I missed my people. In a place that was quite familiar and even a lot of people that i "knew," I was desperately lonely. Our marriage was pulling further a part. And we hit rock bottom.
By the time December came...Greg too recognized his disappointment in what he felt like would be a job he would thrive in, he actually felt like he was drowning. We were both drowning. We had no community, un clear expectations, little accountability, and a marriage that was looking like roommates who parented well together. We recognized this in December and coasted until March/April when things boiled up again and I admitted I was done. Done coasting, done playing this game, done dying.
I want to remember...
April 24, 2013
We were getting out of the car, it was dark outside, and oak said, "the moon! it's working!"
"i can't want it," or "i can't like it." -oak (instead of i dont want it or i dont like it)
"another one shirt" -oak (instead of the other shirt)
July 22, 2013
"sure, sure, sure." for any positive response.
April 13, 2014
"I want to hold you." -oak (his whole life when he wants to be held)
We were getting out of the car, it was dark outside, and oak said, "the moon! it's working!"
"i can't want it," or "i can't like it." -oak (instead of i dont want it or i dont like it)
"another one shirt" -oak (instead of the other shirt)
July 22, 2013
"sure, sure, sure." for any positive response.
April 13, 2014
"I want to hold you." -oak (his whole life when he wants to be held)
Willa Rose
(8/8/14)
I wish I could write a song in honor of this sweet one.
i have a list of things i want to write about that she has taught me.
Heaven. The goodness of God. Like, not cliche "the goodness of God." But this tangible, through the fire, goodness of God. And thats so hard to explain to someone else. Because it is crazy. It IS crazy. Because the world says, God if you were good, Willa would be thriving, kicking and screaming, cooing and nursing, sleeping. We would be throwing things in the car and flying down the road to Tyler to meet her for the first time. Willa would be attached to Sara, in her Sully wrap, Boone in his stroller, and we would be walking NorthPark, beaming with pride. BJ would be taking a million in one pictures of her and the world would see Willa Rose through the eyes her daddy. He would make her look effortlessly cool and granola and all the good and hip words that i dont know. Mom would be walking down the driveway to kiss her baby girl goodnight and dad, like only he knows how, would be stroking her hair with the back of his hand.
But no. The goodness of God did not stop because what we had planned or thought was to be didn't happen. But in the midst of deep pain and hurt and grief, we see the kindness and the nearness of our Father.
My dad would do anything, I mean anything for me. And when I'm hurting? Boy howdy. There are no miles too far, no money too much, no pain to deep to keep him from getting to me. What i know to be true of my dad here on Earth is 1,000 billion times more of God my Father.
That is the love of our Father when we hurt, when we are in pain. He is near. So near.
And Heaven? Willa girl, I've only scratched the surface of what I'm learning about Heaven through you. Its like I've left out a huge chunk of the gospel my whole life. Purposely. Because I didn't want it. I stiff armed Heaven. I like my world, I like my family, and I dont want that to change. Maybe it was the fear of the unknown. Losing any control that I thought I had.
And what I'm beginning to learn is everything I thought of Heaven was wrong. I remember thinking, I don't want to worship ALLLLL the time....how boring! Most days I can barely make it through two songs til im ready to move on. But oh, Willa, I imagine you would crack up laughing at those thoughts. Because I'm learning, through you, I have it all wrong. And I have a new hunger, expectancy and anticipation for what is to come. I'm ready to learn, arms open wide, about where you are. And where we will be.
I wish I could write a song in honor of this sweet one.
i have a list of things i want to write about that she has taught me.
Heaven. The goodness of God. Like, not cliche "the goodness of God." But this tangible, through the fire, goodness of God. And thats so hard to explain to someone else. Because it is crazy. It IS crazy. Because the world says, God if you were good, Willa would be thriving, kicking and screaming, cooing and nursing, sleeping. We would be throwing things in the car and flying down the road to Tyler to meet her for the first time. Willa would be attached to Sara, in her Sully wrap, Boone in his stroller, and we would be walking NorthPark, beaming with pride. BJ would be taking a million in one pictures of her and the world would see Willa Rose through the eyes her daddy. He would make her look effortlessly cool and granola and all the good and hip words that i dont know. Mom would be walking down the driveway to kiss her baby girl goodnight and dad, like only he knows how, would be stroking her hair with the back of his hand.
But no. The goodness of God did not stop because what we had planned or thought was to be didn't happen. But in the midst of deep pain and hurt and grief, we see the kindness and the nearness of our Father.
My dad would do anything, I mean anything for me. And when I'm hurting? Boy howdy. There are no miles too far, no money too much, no pain to deep to keep him from getting to me. What i know to be true of my dad here on Earth is 1,000 billion times more of God my Father.
That is the love of our Father when we hurt, when we are in pain. He is near. So near.
And Heaven? Willa girl, I've only scratched the surface of what I'm learning about Heaven through you. Its like I've left out a huge chunk of the gospel my whole life. Purposely. Because I didn't want it. I stiff armed Heaven. I like my world, I like my family, and I dont want that to change. Maybe it was the fear of the unknown. Losing any control that I thought I had.
And what I'm beginning to learn is everything I thought of Heaven was wrong. I remember thinking, I don't want to worship ALLLLL the time....how boring! Most days I can barely make it through two songs til im ready to move on. But oh, Willa, I imagine you would crack up laughing at those thoughts. Because I'm learning, through you, I have it all wrong. And I have a new hunger, expectancy and anticipation for what is to come. I'm ready to learn, arms open wide, about where you are. And where we will be.
drafts
Right now I have 9(NINE!) drafts sitting in my list of blogs. Some that I haven't finished...some that are just so random. So I'm just going to post them. Because the draft thing is driving me crazy...ive needed to knock these out.....ya know, some for 3 years now. Heres to blogging and getting things out of my head!
Georgia Gray, 2 months.
Gray,
I love you more than you know. What a gift you are.
At 2 months we had to go to the Dr. to get a check up and your first round of shots :( Your shots were so sad. And I think Boone will forever be afraid of shots because of watching you get yours. :/
You weigh 14lbs 2 oz. 75-90%
and you are 24 in. long. 90%
Everyone comments on how long you are, how pretty your head is, how great your skin and eyebrows are, and how much you look like your brother Boone. I think you are a great combination with a whole new look that is all your own.
In your second month, we went to Waco to visit friends, to the Hartsocks lake house on Lake Eufaula for staff retreat and then we picked up your brothers and grandma and pa and drove to Galveston for the weekend. It was a busy and packed couple weeks but oh so fun. Everyone dotted on you, of course and we all fell more in love with our Georgia Gray.
I love you more than you know. What a gift you are.
At 2 months we had to go to the Dr. to get a check up and your first round of shots :( Your shots were so sad. And I think Boone will forever be afraid of shots because of watching you get yours. :/
You weigh 14lbs 2 oz. 75-90%
and you are 24 in. long. 90%
Everyone comments on how long you are, how pretty your head is, how great your skin and eyebrows are, and how much you look like your brother Boone. I think you are a great combination with a whole new look that is all your own.
In your second month, we went to Waco to visit friends, to the Hartsocks lake house on Lake Eufaula for staff retreat and then we picked up your brothers and grandma and pa and drove to Galveston for the weekend. It was a busy and packed couple weeks but oh so fun. Everyone dotted on you, of course and we all fell more in love with our Georgia Gray.
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